Love, Tea & Bedtime
What a wonderful weekend I had. So many things in my life feel right. I get to take classes on something I feel called to do. I have passion. A sence of purpose. I have lovely people in my life. Two beautiful boys who came through me into this world. A hardworking and sensitive man who loves me. Fabulous family beyond what the eye can see. Great friends from many stages of my life, and I seem to suddenly know how to make new ones. Most importantly, I am getting to know mySelf more and more everyday, every moment. And this is important because it helps me to understand my relationship to all of these other pieces of my life. These people and things - that I am so grateful for as well as what is unseen. Things that I love anyway and trust will make its way into the flow. The way a trees fallen limb dances into the river and begins to float, as if it was supposed to be there all along.
A little while before I got home tonight, I recieved a text message. Something about love, tea and bedtime. And as I walked into the front door I knew all three were asleep. I walked in further and saw the teacups on the table, I envisioned them asking their daddy for tea and him saying, "sure I'll make you some". I saw them sipping. I saw their smiles. I knew this to be true. I knew there was not a moment of hesitation because boys shouldnt sip tea or because men shouldnt make it. There was love in the air. I felt it. An evolution. They were floating down their river with ease, centered in their hearts and at peace with the broken limbs.
Life was all around me. Evidenced by the clutter and disarray of our home. I wasnt upset about these things. I didnt feel angry about the empty box of larabars I had just bought yesterday. Or the bowls filled with wrappers in the middle of the kitchen floor. Dinner still on the stove and crusty plates still on the counter. I didnt even think twice about the peeled banana floating in the sink water. Wait, what?...
All I mean is, that it doesnt matter. I never once felt anger, sadness or powerlessness rise up inside me. In the past, I had felt those things and reacted. Eventually I would feel those things, forgive and power up. But today, I just was. I lived my life alongside them. I put the food away and was still smiling. So grateful that they had a warm meal in their tummies. I picked up the wet towels and felt clean, just knowing that they were bathed. I left the teacups where they were, because they were sweet and sticky and because they looked like a marvelous painting on the wall.
My emotions arent because of other people. They come from me. As does so many aspects of mySelf and my reality. And as I sat down to ponder this new layer I decided to write about it. Not knowing if it would make sence to anyone, even me. There has been pain. Triggers have been created. But now the acknowlwdgment of that has grown beyond the amunition of unresolved suffering. There is an understanding, a peace. My river was rough for awhile, as it has been before and quite possibly again. Many changes, limbs breaking. Trees falling down. Ripples into currents into rapids. Waterfalls falling. Dropping so naturally into itself and making way for the new. And now I float, centered in my heart as I make my way around the bend.