For the longest time I just knew things. Information was inside of me. Things I sometimes didn't understand. Things too old for my young mind. I would ask questions, even though I already knew the answer. Because I was afraid of what I already knew and didn't want to be alone. This is how my lie detector grew sharp. I would listen to words I knew were false, see their body change, feel the jagged energy. Eventually, I stopped asking. I was given labeles.... shy, rude, sad. Draining my personal power, I accepted that as my reality.
For the longest time I felt things. Emotions, fears, coming at me from all directions. I knew these feelings were not my own, yet at times I would feel responsible for them. I would feel someone elses anger, dissapointment or anxiety - I'd wonder what I was doing wrong. What did I do to cause people to feel this way? I would feel physical pain in my body. Crossing my arms to guard myself, my stance turned uninviting, my expression dull or flushed with irritation. Eventually, I searched for ways to stop feeling all together. Numbing my own emotions, I accepted that as my reality.
For the longest time I lost things. Different than everyone around me, I felt alone. Defective. Even when wrapped in arms that loved me I was uneasy. Would the love still be offered if they saw all the things I was hiding? I wanted a connection, a friend. So I began to morph into an extoverted version of myself, creating characters and qualities I knew would be attractive. Stretching further and further from myself, the pilot light of my Spirit flickering to almost nothing. I began to have friends, many and all kinds. Still, the lonliness lingered. I would occasionally meet someone who saw past all that. They would look into my eyes and know I was more than I appeared. The possibility of a real connection clouded by the pain of remembering I was lost. Becoming comfortable with suffering, I accepted that as my reality.
For the longest time I was asleep. My eyes did not want to see, ears did not want to hear, heart not wanting to feel. So many times my Soul tried to wake me. The whispers became louder, the knowing grew stronger. Then the day finally came when I decided to respond. To break free and trust my own wings. To be the light choosing to experience this life. To be the love that touches my own heart. To be the joy that is created on the inside. To push back boundaries and be as vast as the Cosmos. To have faith in the unseen. To feel my emotions before letting go. To change my mind in order to change my reality. To once again believe in magic. To be true to my nature and urge you to do the same. To brake open to the point of bleeding. To awaken and move mountains.
Find your way ~ Jess